Weekly Sermon Number 7

Jan 27, 2007

11:55 PM

Okay, we need some Unsacraments to compliment the Unreligion. So I am about to issue a fiat—which is much less violent, and faster, than a fatwa, especially if it's delivered in a 128 Spyder.

The Unsacraments should be basic, primal and probably profound. I'm drawing the inspiration for them from an appearance on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show by Marilu Henner. Carson asked her what her philosophy of life was, and she said that she had acquired one from her grandmother, who said, "Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."

So, based on that profound and simple philosophy, here are the Unsacraments—stated as delicately as possible.

Eat something.

Drink something.

Drain something.

Drop something off.

Have an orgasm.

What could be more basic than that? You can partake of them anytime, and anywhere... well almost. However, you could use it as an excuse if you get arrested. "But officer, I was performing a religious rite!"

Actually, it would probably be good to apply the Golden Rule to any exercise of the Unsacraments. And if you want to lend an air of profundity to any of them you can light a candle. That would actually be a good idea when you drop something off.

Which reminds me. I was driving back from Pennsylvania this week and I had an instance of perfect timing. When I got to Cleveland, I took the Browns to the Superbowl.

Unfortunately, I didn't have a candle.