Narcisstic Personality Disorder?

Jan 7, 2007

8:35 AM

I am going through the mid-life crazies according to some people. I agree with them to a point. I view it as a midcourse correction. I swear to you that I am trying for adulthood. Toward this end, I am trying to find a satisfying career, or learn to be satisfied by doing the work that I can find. If you have been following my blog, you already know that I have been investigating scientifically sound—I hope—approaches to well-being. I have also been considering people's opinions and criticism. It was hard work, so I approached in my usual manner. I cogitated, stewed, obsessed, cursed, procrastinated, denied, excused, rationalized, and I may have flip-flopped. I may have found a starting point to begin working on the new, improved me.

I was operating under my opinion of myself. I thought I was self-confident, intelligent and talented. At points in my life, I supported myself by playing music (in a cover band out West), drawing (doing technical illustrations), and writing (technical writing).

Some people have told me that I am beyond self-confident. They say that I can come off as cocky, arrogant, and even pompous. That disturbs me. I do not want to come off that way. If it is true, and the operation was available, I would have my arrogance removed immediately. I thought I was humble and lovable. At no time in my life did I ever want to be a puffed-up prick.

I just remembered that I was called a smartass when I was younger. I was never sure what they meant by that. So I looked it up.

Smartass noun

Definition: conceited person. Somebody who makes an annoying show of knowing something or of being cleverer than others (informal).

I don't remember thinking that I was "all that." I did play in bands though. I wanted to be Rock Star. What the fuck! Now I am confused.

I did think I was special. I thought I had talent, but couldn't find a break. I avoid certain kinds of work and hope for the day when I can hire it done.

Can you see the dilemma here? I am operating under the assumption that I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder until I can find a better excuse... er, I mean reason, for things being the way they are.

Shit! I thought I had empathy. Fuck! I didn't mean to use people. I wanted to do for myself, or have a fair trade of services or something. Goddammit! The only people I envied were the ones who took care of responsibilities and were good workers. Is it envy if I want to learn the skill for myself? Whatthefuck! I feel like a rat is chewing on my brain.

Really! I thought I had talent and specialized skills. Fuck!

This shit is hard to cure too. And I'm in between health insurance coverage. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!