Weekly Sermon Number 3

Dec 30, 2006 

4:36 PM

            This week’s sermon deals with relationships because they are an integral part of our well being. However, I am going to pose more questions than answers. For example, if all of us human beings are imperfect, how are we going to find a perfect match? It would seem that we have to find a person whose flaws compliment our own, or are at least tolerable.

What constitutes intolerable? Let's consider divorce statistics. They show that most marriages dissolve because of problems with money and sex. I've already discussed a solution to money problem in a previous blog, so let's focus on sex today.

First of all, you need to get the frequency right. Potential partners could discuss the rate of orgasm they need for their overall well being. If you enjoy the same number of orgasms per week, you may be on your way to sexual compatibility. If one of you wants three assisted orgasms per day, and the other wants an orgasm every leap year, your relationship's chance of survival isn't much of a chance at all.

So, once you get a close match in frequency, what else do we need to consider? Vocabulary? I think so. Prospective partners need to play a little card game called "What's My Kink?"

This is how it's done. Get some of those 3 by 5 index cards. Each of you takes a bunch of cards and writes an activity on a card. The first indication of trouble may be evident right away. If one of you only needs 3 cards and the other needs 53, the game may be over right there.

Once you have both filled out your cards, you divide your own pile into needs, and want to try. Then you put the want to try pile aside for round two.

Take your needs pile and arrange them in order of offence. That is, order them from what you feel is the most acceptable behavior to the most edgy one. This way, if you offend your potential mate, and you decide you're incompatible, the game ends with only your least offensive kink revealed.

I bet you smart people know what comes next. You sit facing each other, and take turns laying your cards on the table.

Is it still risky? Sure. You may suffer a little embarrassment, but you may avoid a relationship where you feel continually shamed for your hideous desires.

Also, you can protect yourself by each making a "joker" card. That is, make one card that has an activity you don't really need, or want to try. That way, you can say, "That's my joker card! I don't really want that! Ick!" Then you can both laugh, take a couple more turns, and change the subject to money—knowing that the game is really over.