Student Paper Column Preview

Now you're in for it! I mean, you're in for a treat. I am writing a column for the student paper at college, and you get to preview it here due to a fortuitous coin on Ken White's Coin Flipping Page.

And now, without any further apologies...

The Joys of Being a Non-Traditional Student

 by Jeffrey David Lawson

           First of all, you are viewed with confusion. “Are you the professor?” No, most assuredly not. I am a full-time student at an advanced age. There is no satisfying way of explaining this situation other than to say, “I won the lottery and decided that finishing a degree would be an enriching experience.” If you would like to engage in a thought exercise, try to think up a good reason for a middle-aged person to be a full-time college student. It cannot be done.

            People know this intuitively, so once they know that you are just a student, you are placed in the suspicious folder. The best policy is to recede as near to invisibility as one can. Just assume the down low and wait for people to gradually decide that you are… harmless. Maybe, if you are lucky, some might decide that you are… smart, entertaining, helpful. No. That is hoping for too much. Learn to appreciate benign tolerance and call it a day.

            So if you successfully register as an inanimate object (lamppost) that can give simple directions, you will have a smooth time to appreciate the surroundings. Whenever I step out of the Lion’s Den (on campus student center) and head toward class, I get this odd feeling that I am at a resort in Wisconsin. I keep thinking, “Where is the lake? I want to go for a boat ride.” (In the case of winter, just substitute snowmobile for boat.) However, instead of darts, pool, and beer, all I get is lectures, labs, and term paper research. It leads to a different kind of hangover.

            And then there are the girls! Blocks of wood! And you get an attaboy if you catch the reference to Professor Henry Higgins’s stated attitude in Shaw’s Pygmalion. It is difficult to not look at people. You end up colliding with them. So I have to look. But I am pretty innocent about it. Being the artistic type, I might allow myself to appreciate raw beauty. However, I have a reputation of some kind, and it needs to be maintained. You get another attaboy if you recognize the artistic ambiguity in that last statement.

            Truthfully, I had thought that I would meet a CONTEMPORARY nursing student who had returned to school for similar reasons to my own. Think of it; smart, practical, and able to care for me as I ease into decline, a nurse would be a wonderful choice if men actually had some control in those matters. Alas, fate has managed to keep my nurse away from me. And I’m feeling kind of achy. My back has been making clicking sounds when I sneeze.

            I suppose I should mention the curriculum and faculty. The curriculum is pretty much what I expected, but the faculty is wonderful. They are very approachable and helpful as a rule. They seem to be sympathetic to those of us who are sticking out like the lone dandelion in a lawn. I think they appreciate our maturity. (Read maturity as “those who have suffered copious abuse.”) The one criticism that I have is that they have habits. The most glaring one is that when they are explaining germane things their voices shift tone in a way that makes you think that you are an eighteen year-old who is having something explained to them. This flaw does not bother me. At my age you do not complain about anything that makes you feel younger.

            I am sure I have other impressions and opinions about being an almost-elderly college drop in, but I am having a senior moment. All I ask is that you dial 911 if you ever see me lying on grass, concrete, or linoleum. A couch is okay though. I do take naps. Thank you!